Last piece of hope.

HAH, me me in the center, if cannot see i think you got parallex error laaaa! :b

OKAY, time to rant. where do i start?
Basically, this blog is no more a daily blog updating about typical school life. As i seriously need some emotions dumping now. Had H2H talk on the phone with shirely sweetheart, regina kuku and jiasi dajie yesterday night <3 Why, actually everything jia si told me, i already knew it without she telling me. It's just senses. She's trying to wake me up and remind me that this world is a package. Everything may be wrapped up beautiful but inside its scary. She kept repeating this, and this word 'disgusting' came to my life. Whyy must it be like that? Why is LIFE LIKE THAT? can't it be a little simpler. With a little fairytales, and a happily ever after. Why must heartbreaks be involved. Why is it so difficult. Now that i lost you. They said a true heart beats all odds. Nothing is impossible. PIAN WO DE AH! JiaSi say, to be nice i'm innocent, to be nasty, i'm ignorant. With determination, having faith blablabla, ... lead to sucess.

It all just happened like a typical breakup scene. Well, why is it always girls being heartbroken? To be normal, you would cryyyyyyyy. Cry your heart out, and different people take different duration to pick themselves up again. I picked myself up very slowly. But jiasi said. Theres this problem with me, i'm too optimistic. I always like to think of the bright side, which is good but sometimes bad. Even when theres 0.01% of hope still left, i'll never give up even though 99.9% of everything is breaking me down. After which, i came to know about an ugly truth. Which was somewhat good, cause breaking away with hate is easier than being neutral. I broke away, and that's when my posts started with the day 1, day 2 and blaaa. 2 weeks, nothing happened, life was normal. Till, the day you suddenly texted me again . It only take that one text, to ruin 2 weeks of hard effort, deceiving myself or whatever so just to let go.

Lettingg go is never easy if you truly love him. There can be a million different ways to make yourself give up on him, and everyone works with different ways. But for me, its just no way. The whole night yesterday, me and jiasi were on the same topic, again and again. They kept urging me to let go, but, i kept defending. WHAT If. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. i kept defending for you, maybe you had your difficulties, maybe you wanted to focus on your studies. But the truth is just earthly crashed infront of me, your irresponsibility. JiaSi said, so what even if you keep hoping, and really one day you guys get together again? When you guys break, the pain would be double. But i just said, then why break, i'm not being irrealistic in beliving in fairytales, but can't it be just once and forever? ... Maybe i'm really, too IGNORANT.

People may say you're not worth it, people may say what's the point of loving him but making your life so sad? Love shouldn't be sad. But, that's just what my heart wants it to be. I askeed alot alot of stupid things, like. Why can't i just silently love him? JiaSi : By silently loving him, means without him knowing. And you're just torturing yourself, by seeing him everyday. Jealousy is never a game girls can escape. I asked: why can't we be just friends. JiaSi: the feeling is just different. When you have not fully let go of everything from the past, the friendship is not just pure friendship. It's friendship that you still have the hope that it can turned back to how it used to be. I asked: then why can't it be like how it used to be? JiaSi: cause that's even harder than letting go.

Again and again, i asked. Sometimes i get filled with sorrows, smetimes i get a little hope. But no matter how much the sorrows are, they're never gonna bury my hopes. You shot me with a gun again and again, maybe you didn't realise. But i'm sensitive to everything you say. I don't have a bulletproof heart. It may be full of tattered wounds; philophobia (fear of falling in love again), lost of trust in humans, broken promises, but it's still beating. It's still beating tiredly/sometimes enthusiastically, trying to save that last piece in my heart called hope.


Well people. Look here, i'm not trying to be some bubblegum that sticks and refuse to move away. But, my hopes are not dead yet. Seriously, this isn't me. I would rather you stab me hard one time, and let me give up for once, get hurt for one deep time, let go and slowly pick myself up from there. Rather than slowly let the feeling fade, it seems impossible. There's so many things i wanted to ask you, and theres even some which i took the courage to find out from you.

But, you left me with no answer that i could move on. You're not facing it. By facing it, you'll have to tell me the truth of how you feel, truthfully. Even if its a truth that'll probably make me cry for a day, a week, you should tell me. I'll really slowly pick myself up after that 1 day. Afterall, i'm someone who still has a passion to hald me on, i won't just collapse and find no point in living, unless i lose my passion. Don't convice me with a lie and expect me to believe, and live with it. No matter what, i'll never hate you.

looking at the beautiful sunset, i recall memories of those 4 months.

Life without you was great. Life with you was better. Life after you left was , holding on with the help of my passion. I can no longer find back the me after all this have happened, it was hard solid reality of the past, not just a dream with no realism.